In April 2018 we were excited to find out we were expecting Baby #2. We tried so hard to keep it a surprise for our family but after turning down a cruise in December...our parents quickly did the math and knew we were pregnant.
We were so excited for our 12 week check up. We even made Lincoln a Big Brother flag to bring to our appt with the plan to announce our pregnancy after everything checked out. However, the first ultrasound did not go as planned. Dates weren’t matching up to Baby’s size. And it seemed as though the baby may have stopped growing. After monitoring weekly Hcg levels, my levels began to drop and our Dr said she believed it was not a viable pregnancy. Shortly after the news we were scheduled for a D & C.
We were crushed with the news of the miscarriage. Never do you ever think that it could happen to you. But over time we accepted it and understand these things happen. And we are grateful for our friends, family, and staff that helped us through those tough days.
Fast forward to August 2018, I was beginning to have pregnancy symptoms and took several pregnancy test that came up negative. But I knew my body well and I kept telling Ben and swore I was pregnant. And I was right. After a couple more weeks, we had a positive home pregnancy test.
Excited but cautious about this news, we immediately scheduled an appt with our doctor. She told us after our miscarriage that when we got pregnant again they would closely monitor my Hcg levels early in pregnancy to make sure everything was developing well instead of waiting the normal 8 weeks before our first appointment.
Our first lab levels were good, really good. I did experience some episodes of bleeding but the lab levels kept increasing and we were very hopeful this would be our rainbow baby. After weeks of monitoring lab levels, things were increasing and we scheduled our first ultrasound. Once again results weren’t what we expected and the baby stopped developing.
Confused, frustrated, emotional and once again crushed. Never thought we would be going through this again but here we go. Every phone call from the Doctor or Nurse is like déjà vu.
The one thing I’ve struggled with most during this process is the guilt feeling I have. How do I process these losses when I have the most perfect baby boy sitting right next to me? Gosh I love that boy so much. I am so blessed with this boy how could I spend a single moment crying in front of him. He needs his Mama to be strong. And I feel I have been able to be every day. But it really hits me the hardest on the nights I can’t sleep. The never ending thoughts that keep me awake for hours. What I could have done differently, or what I did wrong? But I’ve heard it all....
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“These things happen.”
“There is nothing you could have done.”
“The good thing is you already had a healthy pregnancy.”
All things I know but never easy to hear... again.
I know in my heart we will get through this rough patch again but I figured I would share our experience and reach out to anyone that has gone through this. I know we are not alone and we will brave this new season one day at a time.
To our closest friends and family that are reading this news for the first time, I want to apologize. There were several times we wanted reach out or when we may have encountered each other recently and we wanted to say something. Sometimes I wish I would’ve said something. But every time, I mean every time the words just could not come out. I could not bear to bring up this news during our times together. And honestly I was always enjoying the company, capturing the exciting seasons of your life, celebrating your love, thrilled to hear the exciting news in your life. There was never a right time to share this news. So please forgive me.
To my clients thank you for your patience in my response times and project schedules. Please do not stress about any upcoming projects or sessions we have booked together. I am stronger than I may sound here and I promise I will show up with a smile no matter what because I love what I do. It truly brings me so much joy to capture your families and the love you share with one another.
And finally to our baby angels, you will be loved forever and always!
Florals by Blossoms Flower House
Photographed by Katelyn Jerard